I’ve never claimed to have extensive knowledge of U.S. legislation throughout history, but it’s safe to say that I and most people I associate with are law-abiding citizens … or not. As it turns out, every state in this country has at least one wacky legal stipulation that could land residents in hot water if they don’t comply. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Alabama
It’s illegal to wear a fake mustache that causes laughter in church.
Alaska
Whispering in someone’s ear while he’s moose hunting is prohibited.
Arizona
Cutting down a cactus may earn you a twenty-five-year prison term.
Arkansas
It’s illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas.
California
You may not eat an orange in your bathtub.
Colorado
It’s unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor (Denver).
Connecticut
A pickle cannot actually be a pickle unless it bounces.
Delaware
It’s illegal to get married on a dare.
Washington, D.C.
It’s against the law to post a public notice calling someone a coward for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.
Florida
If you tie an elephant to a parking meter, you must pay the same parking fee as you would for a vehicle.
Georgia
It’s illegal to change the clothes on a storefront mannequin unless you draw the shades first.
Hawaii
All residents may be fined for not owning a boat.
Idaho
A man must not give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing fewer than fifty pounds.
Illinois
It’s illegal to take a French poodle to the opera (Chicago).
Indiana
The value of pi is 4, and not 3.1415.
Iowa
One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Kansas
It’s illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits (Natoma).
Kentucky
Every citizen is required to take a shower once a year.
Louisiana
Biting someone with your natural teeth constitutes simple assault, but biting someone with your false teeth classifies as aggravated assault.
Maine
If you keep your Christmas decorations on display after January 14, you’ll be fined.
Maryland
It’s against the law to wash or scrub a sink, no matter how dirty it is (Baltimore).
Massachusetts
No gorilla is allowed in the backseat of any car.
Michigan
A woman may not cut her own hair without her husband’s permission.
Minnesota
It’s illegal to paint a sparrow with the intent of selling it as a parakeet (Harper Woods).
Mississippi
Walking a dog without dressing it in diapers is forbidden (Temperance).
Missouri
Children may buy shotguns in Kansas City, but not toy cap guns.
Montana
It’s a felony for a wife to open her husband’s mail.
Nebraska
Bar owners may not sell beer unless they brew a kettle of soup simultaneously.
Nevada
It’s illegal for men with mustaches to kiss women.
New Hampshire
It’s forbidden to sell the clothes you’re wearing to pay off a gambling debt.
New Jersey
It’s against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
New Mexico
Females may not appear unshaven in public.
New York
While riding in an elevator, you must talk to no one, fold your hands, and look toward the door.
North Carolina
It’s against the law to sing off-key.
North Dakota
It’s illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on.
Ohio
You must honk the horn whenever you pass another car, according to the state’s driver’s education manual.
Oklahoma
It’s forbidden to take a bite out of another person’s hamburger.
Oregon
State law requires dishes to be drip-dried.
Pennsylvania
It’s illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors.
Rhode Island
You may not bite off another person’s leg. South Carolina
If a man promises to marry an unmarried woman, he is required by law to keep his promise.
South Dakota
It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory.
Tennessee
Selling hollow logs is strictly forbidden.
Texas
You may not shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
Utah
It is illegal not to drink milk.
Vermont
Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.
Virginia
Tickling a woman is unlawful.
Washington
It’s illegal to pretend that one’s parents are wealthy.
West Virginia
If you make fun of someone who does not accept a challenge, you risk a six-month prison sentence.
Wisconsin
Unless a customer specifically requests it, margarine may not be substituted for butter in a restaurant.
Wyoming
Unless you have an official permit, you may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April.
This Court Is Adjourned
Whew! With all this legislation, it’s a wonder we’re not all sharing a prison cell right now. Granted, something tells me the Los Angeles Police Department has bigger fish to fry than popping people who dare to eat oranges while bathing, and that most people who saw me catching some shut-eye on top of a fridge in Pennsylvania wouldn’t call the cops on me, but you never know when you might come across that rare whistle-blower who wants you persecuted to the fullest extent of the law, so it’s probably better to be safe than sorry. The next time I tie up my elephant at a parking meter in Florida, I’ll be sure to bring a pocket full of quarters.
